Tuesday, June 16, 2009

growing up

It is time for me to decide what in the hell I want to be when I grow up. Rob will be done with school in December. That means that it is my turn to go and get my degree. I was originally going to prestigious community college for Elementary Ed. After having my own kids... I am not sure that I want to spend my days with a bunch of children. I want to spend time with my kids, not necessarily other people's. (Now, that I sound like a total child hating dick...) What in the hell do I want to do with my life? I am at a dead end with no ideas. Any thoughts?

Maybe the whole idea of me going back to school will help with how lost I have felt lately. I mean I am 28 with no house (still effing renting and throwing money away every month), not married or engaged (if that ever happens), no college degree, a job that I hate, etc. I feel like I have nothing to show for my 28 years on the planet. (Well, nothing aside from the two gorgeous girls that are my little clones.) I go through these patches every so often. This one just seems to be lasting longer than normal. I feel like I am stuck.
I am already itching to have another baby, but would really love to actually be married for this one. The whole idea of a wedding is starting to be a distant thought. I am starting to give up on it, which is completely sad. I just can't foresee a point where we have the money to get a ring and have a wedding where it happens. There will always be a trip that we could take instead, or a new car to get, or a house, or this or that or any other thing. So, in order for us as a family to get the things that we want and need... I will be the selfless one who gives up what I so badly want. (That doesn't mean that I am happy about it. It means that I am incredibly bitter and sad. So bitter and sad that the idea of it makes me tear up a bit.) I am being realistic, no sense in continuing to look at bridesmaid dresses, invitations, flowers, bridal gowns, and favors planning something that will never happen. I should start letting myself down easy. I guess this way if it ever happens... it will be a happy surprise. *Please don't suggest that we just go to the JP or something of that nature. I understand that it isn't all about the wedding, it is about the marriage. We are NOT JP kind of people. I know that if we did that I would resent the fact that we didn't have "the" wedding. OK, now that I got that off my chest... I feel a bit better.

1 comment:

kristin said...

I am having the same problem with finding a path for a career...and I'm IN college. Sad huh?
I feel sad about your marriage/relationship issue. I have never even seen your face in real time and I KNOW that JP would not be an option for you or Rob. Kinda like circle peg with a square hole-doesn't work.
It's not easy being the mom and being selfless...it's harder then it looks.