depressing day

Today was supposed to be a good day. Today was filled with Christmas things. Getting the girls pictures taken (by me) for the Christmas card, going to a tree farm where they have a train ride to see Santa. It was supposed to be the day that helped me remember where my holiday spirit was. This day did none of that. This day has been filled with disappointment and tears. I had signed us up for a family night out at a local tree farm. Rob begrudgingly went with us. We were there for a whopping 20 minutes before Emma full out peed her pants. Like soaked down to her socks. So, no train ride, no reindeer, no Santa. I know she was finally excited to see him... so she was already really upset. I was upset because the trip was ruined and there was no way for us to stay. Emma just kept saying sorry in between sobs. I feel like a complete failure as a parent. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN. I should have had extra clothes, just in case. I should have thought ahead. But, I didn't... now my kids haven't seen Santa.... we haven't had a fun night out as a family... it was just ruined and I all can do is cry.

now the panic sets in

It is that time of year. You know the time where you feel so strapped in every way... financially, emotionally, time-wise, creatively. It runs the gamete. To be honest I think this year is worse for me than in the past. I feel a wave of panic just waiting to crash over me.
Financially, I decided that we aren't going crazy for Christmas. The girls will get one joint gift from Santa along with stockings and a couple things from Rob & I, and from each other. Emma will not be getting a ton for her birthday either. I guess that I will let the grandparents to spoil the kids again this year.

Rob is finally graduating this weekend. I couldn't be happier. It is over. :) Guess, that means the pressure is on me to figure out what in the hell that I want to be when I grow up.

I am feeling zapped. No ambition, no holiday spirit... I am still feeling like a shell of myself. I was hoping that the holidays would come around and I would feel all warm and fuzzy and back to normal.